January 28, 2014

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.   - 2 Timothy 4:7

"I have fought the good fight."  I commend Paul on saying this about himself.  Indeed, from what I know about him, he could say this with confidence.  I'm not sure I will ever be able to say this about myself.  I just always think there is something more I could have been or done.  As a coach these last two years of tackle football teams, after every loss my mind never stops churning about what plays I should have called and when, or what plays should I have developed and practiced, and it doesn't stop for months.  My thoughts just stay in this constant evaluation and reevaluation and I never get to the point of feeling like I can say I fought the good fight because we lost.  Similarly, since life is full of failures, there is much the same regarding every failure in my life and the evaluation and reevaluation goes on for years and decades.  How can I get to a point of ever being able to say "I have fought the good fight" when I have lost so many times? 

Someone once told me confidently that our kids would be fine as they grow up.  I asked him, "How can you say that?"  He replied because we are good parents.  I asked how could he possibly know that.  And he replied, "because you are there with them at home and that gives them a big advantage."  He had no idea what kind of parent I was, but his point is there is an advantage for kids who grow up with their parents at home.

Perhaps moving to the end of the verse, "I have kept the faith", helps me to understand the beginning of the verse.  I can reasonably ask myself if I have kept the faith.  Do I have faith, today, right now?  YES.  So is Paul saying that by keeping the faith, you are running the race, and fighting the good fight?  I'm not sure really.  But like the guy who said just being at home with kids gives my kids a big advantage and lends them to be more successful, keeping the faith certainly lends me to being able to at least be in the race and fighting.  Keeping the faith means I am in the game.

Do I believe that I'll ever be able to say I have fought the good fight?  No.  I do think that I might be able to shrug my shoulders and say I tried.  I know in my heart that if I would have remained completely committed and "sold out" to God from childhood that He could have done so very much more with my talents.  I just don't know how to reconcile that.  With the pitiful amount of spiritual courage I had, with the sparse amount of confidence I allowed myself, I tried - but I have never lost faith, so far I have kept it.  Hopefully that's enough.