Emotions

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

I recently had to give a message to a group of men (50 or so).  The message had to last around 20 to 22 minutes.  For some reason, every time I would rehearse this I would get emotional.  A little emotion is a good thing as it adds to the sincerity of the speaker and the realness of the topic, but too much and it is very cumbersome to listen too.  In fact, too much emotion can create doubts about the sincerity or even sanity of the speaker, at least for men. 

It was very difficult and as the days got closer and closer I got more anxious and more anxious.  I was confident that God wanted me to give the message, but I couldn’t get past the emotions.  In fact, I couldn’t even figure out where they were coming from or why.  Maybe I need to have my testosterone levels checked.  It was very frustrating.  But, I yielded to prayer.  I really saw no way out of how to do this and not look like a babbling fool without simply staring down at my notes and reading them.  Maybe then I could at least complete the task.  I know how ineffective that is, but at this point I was in survival mode.  I prayed over and over for God to deliver me, although I saw no way through it.  Julie was praying for me and she even drove for an hour and 20 minutes alone so she could pray with me before.  She said she prayed the whole way and the drive seemed like it was 10 minutes.

All of this because I am too emotional?  Never have I ever had such a problem.  Emotions have always been something you crush or the world of men will crush you.  I learned early that if you want to be ridiculed and be seen as weak, show emotions.  This is necessary at least somewhat in the world of business as emotions can’t drive reasonable decisions, in fact, they often contradict the right decision.  Therefore, the ability to see through them is very important.  HOWEVER, I have also learned that too much suppression of emotion takes away the enjoyment of life.  Moments requires openness to and the expression of deep felt emotion for them to be everlasting and precious. 

It is very difficult to trust emotions when you have been incredibly careful keeping them caged as though they were a ferocious tiger ready to pounce and devour you.  Yet, here I was, goofily trying to control emotions, a result of my making efforts to allow emotions to exert themselves towards others in my life so moments can be so much more special and life changing.  The tiger was going to eat me alive.  Only God would be able to step in and save me.

And that is exactly what He did.  I was prayed up and ready to go, my wife standing nearby supporting me, and I had no idea what was going to happen.  A real life roller-coaster.  God delivered that message.  I had few emotional moments, nothing whatsoever embarrassing, but enough to make it real.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart”, this includes that part that has emotions, “and lean not on your own understanding.”  God made us this way for a reason, I pray I can continue to grow into all of who He intentionally created.