An issue we seem to face today is, does being a Christian and continually
forgiving and loving people again and again make us the doormats of
society? Writer Natasha Dern said, “If people
are constantly expecting you to give in, let go, forgive bad behavior, and
accuse you of not being spiritual when healthy boundaries are established, then
they are treating you like a doormat.” It seems to me that many Christians are very unsure what are the rules of engagement. Is it unloving to establish boundaries?
One consideration is that Jesus said the 2nd greatest
commandment is to “love you neighbor as you love yourself”. We are not loving ourselves very much if we
put ourselves in a position to be disrespected, slandered, or in extreme cases
violated by others. That is not a
demonstration of love or affection. No
one is going to grow closer to God by doing ungodly acts to others. If we put someone in a position to do so, we are not encouraging their spiritual growth or ours.
Jesus also said we are to teach others how to treat us. He said, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to
them.” This is commonly known
as the Golden Rule. If we continually
allow someone to mistreat us, to disrespect us, to slander us to our friends
and family, or to even physically abuse us, we are or have trained them to do
this every time there is no confrontation to state it’s wrong. When we do oppose this formed habit there
will be resistance. If we want to be
treated differently then we need to train others how we want to be
treated. This training is directly
related in how we interact with them. While two tools we have are our words (communications) and our actions, our greatest tool is to pray for the direct
interaction of God’s Holy Spirit in every word and in every action. If someone is hell bent on opposing us, then
we are fools if we do not adamantly ask for God’s protection so they can oppose
the Spirit of God Himself.
We need to consider in our responses to the threats, accusations,
verbal attacks, and condemnations more than our pain (if we show it at all),
but reflection of God’s Word. Anyone who
mistreats others, disrespects others, slanders others, or abuses others is
really in a fight against God. It is
important for us to forgive them and not be resentful, but it is equally
important to love ourselves enough to establish boundaries. 1 Corinthians 5:11 says, “I wrote to you not
to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or
covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not
even to eat with such a one.”
And 2 Timothy 3:2-5 says, “For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful,
arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving,
irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of
good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers
of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid
such men as these.” So
the Bible tells us it is not rude or unloving to establish boundaries with
others. Forgiving someone does not mean
they have the same place in your life they did before. However, if there has been repentance, then there
can be a re-establishment. But
forgiveness itself does not permit the same authority, respect, and allowed
actions as before.
Finally, Psalm 34:11 says “depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.” How do you seek peace when you purposefully
put yourself around people who mistreat you, attack you, or condemn you? We have to very careful in our associations
so that such people do not disrupt our communion with God or our walk with God.
We are required to forgive forever. That forgiveness should not be with resentment. It should be a complete work. However, forgiving does not mean the relationship doesn't or shouldn't change. It is often a work of love and sacrifice to establish boundaries. Often it is also necessary so all parties involved have the greatest chance of growing closer to God.
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